第6章 走调职员(3)

22 Problem with Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says，"Doctor，I have this problem with gas，but it doesn’t really bother me too much.They never smell and are always silent.As a matter of fact.I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent."

The doctor says，"I see.Here’s a preion.Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."

The next week the hay goes back."Doctor，"she says，"I don’t know what the hell you gave me，but now my farts although still silent stink terribly."

The doctor says，"Good！ Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses，let’s start working on your hearing."

气体的问题

一位小老太太去看病，她说：“医生，我有个问题，就是总放屁。不过其实对我也并没有太大的困扰，我放屁不臭也没有声音。实际上，我自从来到您的办公室已经放了二十多个屁。不过你根本不知道我放屁了，因为不臭而且没有声音，对吧？”

医生说道：“我明白了。这药一天吃三次，服用七天，下星期再来找我。”

到了下个星期，这老太太又来了，她说道：“医生，真不知道你到底给我开的什么药，尽管我现在放屁还是没有声音，可是却臭死了！”

医生说：“很好，既然你的嗅觉恢复正常了，那么我们开始治疗你的听觉。”

23 I Present Arms

A new volunteer who had not quite learned his business，was on sentry duty.One night，he bought a pie from the canteen.

As he sat on the grass eating pie，the major sauntered up in plainclothes.The sentry，not recognizing him，did not salute，and the major stopped and said，"What’s that you have there？"

"Apple pie.Have a bite？"said the sentry，good‐naturedly.

The major frowned.

"Do you know who I am？"he asked.

"No，"said the sentry，"unless you’re major’s groom."

The major shook his head.

"Guess again."

"The barber from the village？"

"No."

"Maybe，"the sentry laughed，"maybe you’re the major himself？"

"That's right.I am the major."

The sentry scrambled to his feet，"Good gracious！"He exclaimed，"Hold the pie，will you，while I present arms！"

敬礼

轮到一个对自己职责不甚了解的新志愿兵站岗。一天夜里，他从食堂买了一个馅饼。

当他坐在草地上吃馅饼时，一名身着便服的少校溜达过来。

哨兵不认识他，就没有敬礼。少校停下来说：“你在那里吃什么？”

“苹果馅饼。来一口？”哨兵和气地说。少校皱了皱眉。

“你知道我是谁吗？”他问。

“不知道，”哨兵说，“莫非你是少校的马夫？”

少校摇了摇头。

“再猜一次。”

“乡村理发员？”

“不是。”

“大概，”哨兵笑道，“大概你是少校本人吧？”

“不错。我正是少校。”

哨兵从地上爬起来，惊叫道：“天啊！帮我拿着馅饼，我要举枪敬礼！”

24 Whose Dog Was the Smartest

Four friends were arguing over whose dog was the smartest.

The first man，an engineer，called to his dog，"T Square，show your stuff."The dog trotted over to a desk，pulled out a paper and pencil，and drew a perfect triangle.

The next guy，an accountant，called to his dog，"Slide Rule，go ahead."The dog went to the kitchen，nibbled open a bag of cookies and divided the contents into four equal piles.

The next man，a chemist，beckoned his dog，"Beaker，to show what you could do."The dog went to the fridge，took out a quart of milk and poured out exactly eighty ounces into a measuring cup.

The last man was a government worker."Coffee Break，"he hollered to his dog，"go to it."With that，the dog jumped to his feet，soiled the paper，ate the cookies and drank the milk.

谁的狗最聪明

四个朋友在一起讨论谁的狗最聪明。

第一个人是工程师，他喊他的狗：“T形角，把你的本事亮出来看看。”然后这只狗跑到桌子旁边，拿出一张纸和一支笔，画了一个完美的三角形。

第二个人是会计，他喊他的狗：“计数尺，上吧。”然后这只狗走到厨房，轻轻咬开一包饼干，把它们平均分成了四份。

接下来的那个人是化学家，他召唤他的狗：“烧杯，展示一下你的才华吧。”这只狗走到冰箱，拿出一夸脱牛奶，然后准确地在量杯里倒进了八十盎司。

最后一个人是政府工作人员。“休息时间，”他叫他的狗，“去吧。”这只狗马上跳起来，踏脏了那张纸，吃掉了饼干并喝掉了牛奶。

25 Researching This Insect

A prominent Polish scientist conducted a very important experiment.He trained a flea to jump upon giving it a verbal command"Jump！"

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea’s leg，told it to jump，and the flea jumped.So he wrote in his scientific notebook，"Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

So，he removed the second leg，asked the flea to jump，it obeyed，So he wrote again，"Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

There after he removed all the legs but one，the flea jumped when ordered，so he wrote again，"Upon removing the next leg all fIea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg.Told flea to jump，and nothing happened.He did not want to take a chance，so he repeated the experiment several times，and the legless flea never jumped.So he wrote the conclusion，"Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing."

研究昆虫

一位杰出的波兰科学家做了一个非常重要的实验。他训练了一只跳蚤，当给它一个动作指令“跳！”时它就会跳起来。

在实验的第一阶段，他除去了跳蚤的一条腿，命令它跳，这只跳蚤跳了起来。于是他在他的科学记事本上写道：“在去掉一条腿的基础上，跳蚤所有的器官依然正常工作。”

于是，他去掉了跳蚤的第二条腿，命令这只跳蚤跳，它听从了命令，于是他又写道：“在去掉第二条腿的基础上，跳蚤所有的器官依然正常工作。”

然后，他只留了跳蚤一条腿，当给出指令时跳蚤还是听从了，于是他又写道：“在去掉第三条腿的基础上，跳蚤所有的器官依然正常工作。”

然后他把最后一条腿去掉了，命令跳蚤跳，但毫无反应。他不想冒险，就把这实验重复做了几次，没腿的跳蚤一次都没有跳起来过。于是他得出了结论：“在跳蚤失去最后一条腿后，它丧失了听力。”

26 Engineer

An engineer dies and goes to heaven.However，when St.Peter meets him at the gate he says，"Wait a second！ You’re in the wrong place！ Beat it！"

So，the engineer goes down to Hell，and gets settled in.He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there，and begins to make improvements.Before long，there’s running water，flush toilets，escalators，and even air conditioning！ The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer，"So how’s it going down there？"

Satan replies，"Hey，things are going great.We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators，and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies，"What！ You’ve got an engineer？That’s a mistake-he should never have gotten down there.Send him up right away！"

Satan says，"No way！ I like having an engineer on the staff，and I’m keeping him."

God says，"Send him back up here or I’ll sue！"

"Oh，yeah？"the Devil replies，"Where are you going to get a lawyer？"

工程师

一位工程师死后来到天堂。但是，当圣彼得在门口看到他时说：“等一下！你来错了地方！滚开！”

于是，工程师下了地狱，在那儿安顿下来。他很快对周围的环境感到不满，于是开始改善状况。不久以后，这儿有了自来水、抽水马桶、电梯，甚至还装上了空调！工程师成了香馍馍。

一天，上帝打电话给撒旦，嘲讽地说：“你下面情况怎么样啊？”

撒旦回答：“嗯，不错不错。我们这儿已经有了空调、抽水马桶还有电梯。不知道工程师接下来会给我们制造什么。”

上帝叫道：“什么！你们有一个工程师？出错了--他本不应该到那去的。马上把他送回来！”

撒旦说：“没门！我喜欢有个工程师子民，我要留他在这儿。”

上帝说：“把他送回来，否则我便起诉你！”

“噢，是吗？”魔鬼回道，“可你们到哪儿去找一名律师呢？”