第152章 THE THIRD(11)
The train swayed and rattled on its way.We ran through old Bromstead, where once I had played with cities and armies on the nursery floor.The sprawling suburbs with their scattered lights gave way to dim tree-set country under a cloud-veiled, intermittently shining moon.We passed Cardcaster Place.Perhaps old Wardingham, that pillar of the old Conservatives, was there, fretting over his unsuccessful struggle with our young Toryism.
Little he recked of this new turn of the wheel and how it would confirm his contempt of all our novelties.Perhaps some faint intimation drew him to the window to see behind the stems of the young fir trees that bordered his domain, the little string of lighted carriage windows gliding southward....
Suddenly I began to realise just what it was we were doing.
And now, indeed, I knew what London had been to me, London where Ihad been born and educated, the slovenly mother of my mind and all my ambitions, London and the empire! It seemed to me we must be going out to a world that was utterly empty.All our significance fell from us--and before us was no meaning any more.We were leaving London; my hand, which had gripped so hungrily upon its complex life, had been forced from it, my fingers left their hold.
That was over.I should never have a voice in public affairs again.
The inexorable unwritten law which forbids overt scandal sentenced me.We were going out to a new life, a life that appeared in that moment to be a mere shrivelled remnant of me, a mere residuum of sheltering and feeding and seeing amidst alien scenery and the sound of unfamiliar tongues.We were going to live cheaply in a foreign place, so cut off that I meet now the merest stray tourist, the commonest tweed-clad stranger with a mixture of shyness and hunger....
And suddenly all the schemes I was leaving appeared fine and adventurous and hopeful as they had never done before.How great was this purpose I had relinquished, this bold and subtle remaking of the English will! I had doubted so many things, and now suddenly I doubted my unimportance, doubted my right to this suicidal abandonment.Was I not a trusted messenger, greatly trusted and favoured, who had turned aside by the way? Had I not, after all, stood for far more than I had thought; was I not filching from that dear great city of my birth and life, some vitally necessary thing, a key, a link, a reconciling clue in her political development, that now she might seek vaguely for in vain? What is one life against the State? Ought I not to have sacrificed Isabel and all my passion and sorrow for Isabel, and held to my thing--stuck to my thing?
I heard as though he had spoken it in the carriage Britten's "It WASa good game.No end of a game.And for the first time I imagined the faces and voices of Crupp and Esmeer and Gane when they learnt of this secret flight, this flight of which they were quite unwarned.And Shoesmith might he there in the house,--Shoesmith who was to have been married in four days--the thing might hit him full in front of any kind of people.Cruel eyes might watch him.Why the devil hadn't I written letters to warn them all? I could have posted them five minutes before the train started.I had never thought to that moment of the immense mess they would be in; how the whole edifice would clatter about their ears.I had a sudden desire to stop the train and go back for a day, for two days, to set that negligence right.My brain for a moment brightened, became animated and prolific of ideas.I thought of a brilliant line we might have taken on that confounded Reformatory Bill....
That sort of thing was over....
What indeed wasn't over? I passed to a vaguer, more multitudinous perception of disaster, the friends I had lost already since Altiora began her campaign, the ampler remnant whom now I must lose.Ithought of people I had been merry with, people I had worked with and played with, the companions of talkative walks, the hostesses of houses that had once glowed with welcome for us both.I perceived we must lose them all.I saw life like a tree in late autumn that had once been rich and splendid with friends--and now the last brave dears would be hanging on doubtfully against the frosty chill of facts, twisting and tortured in the universal gale of indignation, trying to evade the cold blast of the truth.I had betrayed my party, my intimate friend, my wife, the wife whose devotion had made me what I was.For awhile the figure of Margaret, remote, wounded, shamed, dominated my mind, and the thought of my immense ingratitude.Damn them! they'd take it out of her too.I had a feeling that I wanted to go straight back and grip some one by the throat, some one talking ill of Margaret.They'd blame her for not keeping me, for letting things go so far....I wanted the whole world to know how fine she was.I saw in imagination the busy, excited dinner tables at work upon us all, rather pleasantly excited, brightly indignant, merciless.
Well, it's the stuff we are!...
Then suddenly, stabbing me to the heart, came a vision of Margaret's tears and the sound of her voice saying, "Husband mine! Oh! husband mine! To see you cry!"...
I came out of a cloud of thoughts to discover the narrow compartment, with its feeble lamp overhead, and our rugs and hand-baggage swaying on the rack, and Isabel, very still in front of me, gripping my wilting red roses tightly in her bare and ringless hand.
For a moment I could not understand her attitude, and then Iperceived she was sitting bent together with her head averted from the light to hide the tears that were streaming down her face.She had not got her handkerchief out for fear that I should see this, but I saw her tears, dark drops of tears, upon her sleeve....
I suppose she had been watching my expression, divining my thoughts.
For a time I stared at her and was motionless, in a sort of still and weary amazement.Why had we done this injury to one another?
WHY? Then something stirred within me.
"ISABEL!" I whispered.
She made no sign.
"Isabel!" I repeated, and then crossed over to her and crept closely to her, put my arm about her, and drew her wet cheek to mine.
End