第23章 OFF DUTY.(3)

"Go and borrow some from the next ward,and spend the rest of the day in finding ours,"I finally command.A pause;then Frank scuffles back with the message:"Miss Peppercorn ain't got none,and says you ain't no business to lose your own duds and go borrowin'other folkses;."I say nothing,for fear of saying too much,but fly to the surgery.Mr.Toddypestle informs me that I can't have anything without an order from the surgeon of my ward.Great heavens !where is he?and away I rush,up and down,here and there,till at last I find him,in a state of bliss over a complicated amputation,in the fourth story.I make my demand;be answers:"In five minutes,"and works away,with his head upside down,as he ties an artery,saws a bone,or does a little needle-work,with a visible relish and very sanguinary pair of hands.The five minutes grow to fifteen,and Frank appears,with the remark that,"Dammer wants to know what in thunder you are keeping him there with his finger on a wet rag for?"Dr.P.tears himself away long enough to scribble the order,with which I plunge downward to the surgery again,find the door locked,and,while hammering away on it,am told that two friends are waiting to see me in the hall.The matron being away,her parlor is locked,and there is nowhere to see my guests but in my own room,and no time to enjoy them till the plaster is found.I settle this matter,and circulate through the house to find Toddypestle,who has no right,to leave the surgery till night.He is discovered in the dead house,smoking a cigar;and very much the worse for his researches among the spirituous preparations that fill the surgery shelves.He is inclined to be gallant,and puts the finishing blow to the fire of my wrath;for the tea-kettle lid flies off,and driving him before me to his post,I fling down the order,take what I choose;and,leaving the absurd incapable kissing his hand to me,depart,feeling,as Grandma Riglesty is reported to have done,when she vainly sought for chips,in Bimleck Jackwood's "shifless paster."I find Dammer a well acted charade of his own name,and,just as I get him done,struggling the while with a burning desire to clap an adhesive strip across his mouth,full of heaven-defying oaths,Frank takes up his boot to put it on,and exclaims :

"I'm blest ef here ain't that case now !I recollect seeing it pitch in this mornin',but forgot all about it,till my heel went smash inter it.Here,ma'am,ketch hold on it,and give the boys a sheet on't all round,'gainst it tumbles inter t'other boot next time yer want it."If a look could annihilate,Francis Saucebox would have ceased to exist;but it couldn't;therefore,he yet lives,to aggravate some unhappy woman's soul,and wax fat in some equally congenial situation.

Now,while I'm freeing my mind,I should like to enter my protest against employing convalescents as attendants,instead of strong,properly trained,and cheerful men.How it may be in other places I cannot say;but here it was a source of constant trouble and confusion,these feeble,ignorant men trying to sweep,scrub,lift,and wait upon their sicker comrades.

One,with a diseased heart,was expected to run up and down stairs,carry heavy trays,and move helpless men;he tried it,and grew rapidly worse than when he first came:and,when he was ordered out to march away to the convalescent hospital,fell,in a sort of fit,before he turned the corner,and was brought back to die.Another,hurt by a fall from his horse,endeavored to do his duty,but failed entirely,and the wrath of the ward master fell upon the nurse,who must either scrub the rooms herself,or take the lecture;for the boy looked stout and well,and the master never happened to see him turn white with pain,or hear him groan in his sleep when an involuntary.motion strained his poor back.Constant complaints were being made of incompetent attendants,and some dozen women did double duty,and then were blamed for breaking down.If any hospital director fancies this a good and economical arrangement,allow one used up nurse to tell him it isn't,and beg him to spare the sisterhood,who sometimes,in their sympathy,forget that they are mortal,and run the risk of being made immortal,sooner than is agreeable to their partial friends.