第27章

`Now,' said Mr. Pecksniff, crossing his two fore-fingers in a manner which was at once conciliatory and argumentative: `I will not, upon the one hand, go so far as to say that she deserves all the inflictions which have been so very forcibly and hilariously suggested;' one of his ornamental sentences; `nor will I, upon the other, on any account compromise my common understanding as a man, by making the assertion that she does not. What I would observe is, that I think some practical means might be devised of inducing our respected, shall I say our revered --?'

`No!' interposed the strong-minded woman in a loud voice.

`Then I will not,' said Mr. Pecksniff. `You are quite right, my dear madam, and I appreciate and thank you for your discriminating objection -- our respected relative to dispose himself to listen to the promptings of nature, and not to the --'

`Go on, Pa!' cried Mercy.

`Why, the truth is, my dear,' said Mr. Pecksniff, smiling upon his assembled kindred, `that I am at a loss for a word. The name of those fabulous animals (pagan, I regret to say) who used to sing in the water, has quite escaped me.'

Mr. George Chuzzlewit suggested `Swans.'

`No,' said Mr. Pecksniff. `Not swans. Very like swans, too. Thank you.'

The nephew with the outline of a countenance, speaking for the first and last time on that occasion, propounded `oysters.'

`No,' said Mr. Pecksniff, with his own peculiar urbanity, `nor oysters.

But by no means unlike oysters; a very excellent idea; thank you, my dear sir, very much. Wait! Sirens. Dear me! sirens, of course. I think, I say, that means might be devised of disposing our respected relative to listen to the promptings of nature, and not to the siren-like delusions of art.

Now we must not lose sight of the fact that our esteemed friend has a grandson, to whom he was, until lately, very much attached, and whom I could have wished to see here to-day, for I have a real and deep regard for him. A fine young man. a very fine young man! I would submit to you, whether we might not remove Mr. Chuzzlewit's distrust of us, and vindicate our own disinterestedness by' `If Mr. George Chuzzlewit has anything to say to me,' interposed the strong-minded woman, sternly, `I beg him to speak out like a man; and not to look at me and my daughters as if he could eat us.'

`As to looking, I have heard it said, Mrs. Ned,' returned Mr. George, angrily, `that a cat is free to contemplate a monarch; and therefore I hope I have some right, having been born a member of this family, to look at a person who only came into it by marriage. As to eating, I beg to say, whatever bitterness your jealousies and disappointed expectations may suggest to you, that I am not a cannibal, ma'am.'

`I don't know that!' cried the strong-minded woman.

`At all events, if I was a cannibal,' said Mr. George Chuzzlewit, greatly stimulated by this retort, `I think it would occur to me that a lady who had outlived three husbands, and suffered so very little from their loss, must be most uncommonly tough.'

The strong-minded woman immediately rose.

`And I will further add,' said Mr. George, nodding his head violently at every second syllable; `naming no names, and therefore hurting nobody but those whose consciences tell them they are alluded to, that I think it would be much more decent and becoming, if those who hooked and crooked themselves into this family by getting on the blind side of some of its members before marriage, and manslaughtering them afterwards by crowing over them to that strong pitch that they were glad to die, would refrain from acting the part of vultures in regard to other members of this family who are living. I think it would be full as well, if not better, if those individuals would keep at home, contenting themselves with what they have got (luckily for them) already; instead of hovering about, and thrusting their fingers into, a family pie, which they flavour much more than enough, I can tell them, when they are fifty miles away.'

`I might have been prepared for this!' cried the strong-minded woman, looking about her with a disdainful smile as she moved towards the door, followed by her three daughters: `indeed I was fully prepared for it from the first. What else could I expect in such an atmosphere as this!'

`Don't direct your half-pay-officers' gaze at me, ma'am, if you please,' interposed Miss Charity; `for I won't bear it.'