第18章 THE COUNTRY DOCTOR'S CONFESSION(1)

"I was born in a little town in Languedoc,"the doctor resumed."My father had been settled there for many years,and there my early childhood was spent.When I was eight years old I was sent to the school of the Oratorians at Sorreze,and only left it to finish my studies in Paris.My father had squandered his patrimony in the course of an exceedingly wild and extravagant youth.He had retrieved his position partly by a fortunate marriage,partly by the slow persistent thrift characteristic of provincial life;for in the provinces people pride themselves on accumulating rather than on spending,and all the ambition in a man's nature is either extinguished or directed to money-getting,for want of any nobler end.So he had grown rich at last,and thought to transmit to his only son all the cut-and-dried experience which he himself had purchased at the price of his lost illusions;a noble last illusion of age which fondly seeks to bequeath its virtues and its wary prudence to heedless youth,intent only on the enjoyment of the enchanted life that lies before it.

"This foresight on my father's part led him to make plans for my education for which I had to suffer.He sedulously concealed my expectations of wealth from me,and during the fairest years of my youth compelled me,for my own good,to endure the burden of anxiety and hardship that presses upon a young man who has his own way to make in the world.His idea in so doing was to instill the virtues of poverty into me--patience,a thirst for learning,and a love of work for its own sake.He hoped to teach me to set a proper value on my inheritance,by letting me learn,in this way,all that it costs to make a fortune;wherefore,as soon as I was old enough to understand his advice,he urged me to choose a profession and to work steadily at it.My tastes inclined me to the study of medicine.

"So I left Sorreze,after ten years of almost monastic discipline of the Oratorians;and,fresh from the quiet life of a remote provincial school,I was taken straight to the capital.My father went with me in order to introduce me to the notice of a friend of his;and (all unknown to me)my two elders took the most elaborate precautions against any ebullitions of youth on my part,innocent lad though Iwas.My allowance was rigidly computed on a scale based upon the absolute necessaries of life,and I was obliged to produce my certificate of attendance at the Ecole de Medecine before I was allowed to draw my quarter's income.The excuse for this sufficiently humiliating distrust was the necessity of my acquiring methodical and business-like habits.My father,however,was not sparing of money for all the necessary expenses of my education and for the amusements of Parisian life.

"His old friend was delighted to have a young man to guide through the labyrinth into which I had entered.He was one of those men whose natures lead them to docket their thoughts,feelings,and opinions every whit as carefully as their papers.He would turn up last year's memorandum book,and could tell in a moment what he had been doing a twelvemonth since in this very month,day,and hour of the present year.Life,for him,was a business enterprise,and he kept the books after the most approved business methods.There was real worth in him though he might be punctilious,shrewd,and suspicious,and though he never lacked specious excuses for the precautionary measures that he took with regard to me.He used to buy all my books;he paid for my lessons;and once,when the fancy took me to learn to ride,the good soul himself found me out a riding-school,went thither with me,and anticipated my wishes by putting a horse at my disposal whenever I had a holiday.In spite of all this cautious strategy,which I managed to defeat as soon as I had any temptation to do so,the kind old man was a second father to me.

"'My friend,'he said,as soon as he surmised that I should break away altogether from my leading strings,unless he relaxed them,'young folk are apt to commit follies which draw down the wrath of their elders upon their heads,and you may happen to want money at some time or other;if so,come to me.Your father helped me nobly once upon a time,and I shall always have a few crowns to spare for you;but never tell any lies,and do not be ashamed to own to your faults.I myself was young once;we shall always get on well together,like two good comrades.'

"My father found lodgings for me with some quiet,middle-class people in the Latin Quarter,and my room was furnished nicely enough;but this first taste of independence,my father's kindness,and the self-denial which he seemed to be exercising for me,brought me but little happiness.Perhaps the value of liberty cannot be known until it has been experienced;and the memories of the freedom of my childhood had been almost effaced by the irksome and dreary life at school,from which my spirits had scarcely recovered.In addition to this,my father had urged new tasks upon me,so that altogether Paris was an enigma.You must acquire some knowledge of its pleasures before you can amuse yourself in Paris.

"My real position,therefore,was quite unchanged,save that my new lycee was a much larger building,and was called the Ecole de Medecine.Nevertheless,I studied away bravely at first;I attended lectures diligently;I worked desperately hard and without relaxation,so strongly was my imagination affected by the abundant treasures of knowledge to be gained in the capital.But very soon I heedlessly made acquaintances;danger lurks hidden beneath the rash confiding friendships that have so strong a charm for youth,and gradually I was drawn into the dissipated life of the capital.I became an enthusiastic lover of the theatre;and with my craze for actors and the play,the work of my demoralization began.The stage,in a great metropolis,exerts a very deadly influence over the young;they never quit the theatre save in a state of emotional excitement almost always beyond their power to control;society and the law seem to me to be accessories to the irregularities brought about in this way.Our legislation has shut its eyes,so to speak,to the passions that torment a young man between twenty and five-and-twenty years of age.

In Paris he is assailed by temptations of every kind.Religion may preach and Law may demand that he should walk uprightly,but all his surroundings and the tone of those about him are so many incitements to evil.Do not the best of men and the most devout women there look upon continence as ridiculous?The great city,in fact,seems to have set herself to give encouragement to vice and to this alone;for a young man finds that the entrance to every honorable career in which he might look for success is barred by hindrances even more numerous than the snares that are continually set for him,so that through his weaknesses he may be robbed of his money.

"For a long while I went every evening to some theatre,and little by little I fell into idle ways.I grew more and more slack over my work;even my most pressing tasks were apt to be put off till the morrow,and before very long there was an end of my search after knowledge for its own sake;I did nothing more than the work which was absolutely required to enable me to get through the examinations that must be passed before I could become a doctor.I attended the public lectures,but I no longer paid any attention to the professors,who,in my opinion,were a set of dotards.I had already broken my idols--Ibecame a Parisian.

"To be brief,I led the aimless drifting life of a young,provincial thrown into the heart of a great city;still retaining some good and true feeling,still clinging more or less to the observance of certain rules of conduct,still fighting in vain against the debasing influence of evil examples,though I offered but a feeble,half-hearted resistance,for the enemy had accomplices within me.Yes,sir,my face is not misleading;past storms have plainly left their traces there.Yet,since I had drunk so deeply of the pure fountain of religion in my early youth,I was haunted in the depths of my soul,through all my wanderings,by an ideal of moral perfection which could not fail one day to bring me back to God by the paths of weariness and remorse.Is not he who feels the pleasures of earth most keenly,sure to be attracted,soon or late,by the fruits of heaven?

"At first I went through the experience,more or less vivid,that always comes with youth--the countless moments of exultation,the unnumbered transports of despair.Sometimes I took my vehement energy of feeling for a resolute will,and over-estimated my powers;sometimes,at the mere sight of some trifling obstacle with which Iwas about to come into collision,I was far more cast down than Iought to have been.Then I would devise vast plans,would dream of glory,and betake myself to work;but a pleasure party would divert me from the noble projects based on so infirm a purpose.Vague recollections of these great abortive schemes of mine left a deceptive glow in my soul and fostered my belief in myself,without giving me the energy to produce.In my indolent self-sufficiency I was in a very fair way to become a fool,for what is a fool but a man who fails to justify the excellent opinion which he has formed of himself?My energy was directed towards no definite aims;I wished for the flowers of life without the toil of cultivating them.I had no idea of the obstacles,so I imagined that everything was easy;luck,I thought,accounted for success in science and in business,and genius was charlatanism.I took it for granted that I should be a great man,because there was the power of becoming one within me;so I discounted all my future glory,without giving a thought to the patience required for the conception of a great work,nor of the execution,in the course of which all the difficulties of the task appear.

"The sources of my amusements were soon exhausted.The charm of the theatre does not last for very long;and,for a poor student,Paris shortly became an empty wilderness.They were dull and uninteresting people that I met with in the circle of the family with whom I lived;but these,and an old man who had now lost touch with the world,were all the society that I had.

"So,like every young man who takes a dislike to the career marked out for him,I rambled about the streets for whole days together;Istrolled along the quays,through the museums and public gardens,making no attempt to arrive at a clear understanding of my position,and without a single definite idea in my head.The burden of unemployed energies is more felt at that age than at any other;there is such an abundance of vitality running to waste,so much activity without result.I had no idea of the power that a resolute will puts into the hands of a man in his youth;for when he has ideas and puts his whole heart and soul into the work of carrying them out,his strength is yet further increased by the undaunted courage of youthful convictions.

"Childhood in its simplicity knows nothing of the perils of life;youth sees both its vastness and its difficulties,and at the prospect the courage of youth sometimes flags.We are still serving our apprenticeship to life;we are new to the business,a kind of faint-heartedness overpowers us,and leaves us in an almost dazed condition of mind.We feel that we are helpless aliens in a strange country.At all ages we shrink back involuntarily from the unknown.And a young man is very much like the soldier who will walk up to the cannon's mouth,and is put to flight by a ghost.He hesitates among the maxims of the world.The rules of attack and of self-defence are alike unknown to him;he can neither give nor take;he is attracted by women,and stands in awe of them;his very good qualities tell against him,he is all generosity and modesty,and completely innocent of mercenary designs.Pleasure and not interest is his object when he tells a lie;and among many dubious courses,the conscience,with which as yet he has not juggled,points out to him the right way,which he is slow to take.

"There are men whose lives are destined to be shaped by the impulses of their hearts,rather than by any reasoning process that takes place in their heads,and such natures as these will remain for a long while in the position that I have described.This was my own case.I became the plaything of two contending impulses;the desires of youth were always held in check by a faint-hearted sentimentality.Life in Paris is a cruel ordeal for impressionable natures,the great inequalities of fortune or of position inflame their souls and stir up bitter feelings.In that world of magnificence and pettiness envy is more apt to be a dagger than a spur.You are bound either to fall a victim or to become a partisan in this incessant strife of ambitions,desires,and hatreds,in the midst of which you are placed;and by slow degrees the picture of vice triumphant and virtue made ridiculous produces its effect on a young man,and he wavers;life in Paris soon rubs the bloom from conscience,the infernal work of demoralization has begun,and is soon accomplished.The first of pleasures,that which at the outset comprehends all the others,is set about with such perils that it is impossible not to reflect upon the least actions which it provokes,impossible not to calculate all its consequences.These calculations lead to selfishness.If some poor student,carried away by an impassioned enthusiasm,is fain to rise above selfish considerations,the suspicious attitude of those about him makes him pause and doubt;it is so hard not to share their mistrust,so difficult not to be on his guard against his own generous thoughts.

His heart is seared and contracted by this struggle,the current of life sets toward the brain,and the callousness of the Parisian is the result--the condition of things in which schemes for power and wealth are concealed by the most charming frivolity,and lurk beneath the sentimental transports that take the place of enthusiasm.The simplest-natured woman in Paris always keeps a clear head even in the intoxication of happiness.

"This atmosphere was bound to affect my opinions and my conduct.The errors that have poisoned my life would have lain lightly on many a conscience,but we in the South have a religious faith that leads us to believe in a future life,and in the truths set forth by the Catholic Church.These beliefs give depth and gravity to every feeling,and to remorse a terrible and lasting power.

"The army were masters of society at the time when I was studying medicine.In order to shine in women's eyes,one had to be a colonel at the very least.A poor student counted for absolutely nothing.

Goaded by the strength of my desires,and finding no outlet for them;hampered at every step and in every wish by the want of money;looking on study and fame as too slow a means of arriving at the pleasures that tempted me;drawn one way by my inward scruples,and another by evil examples;meeting with every facility for low dissipation,and finding nothing but hindrances barring the way to good society,Ipassed my days in wretchedness,overwhelmed by a surging tumult of desires,and by indolence of the most deadly kind,utterly cast down at times,only to be as suddenly elated.

"The catastrophe which at length put an end to this crisis was commonplace enough.The thought of troubling the peace of a household has always been repugnant to me;and not only so,I could not dissemble my feelings,the instinct of sincerity was too strong in me;I should have found it a physical impossibility to lead a life of glaring falsity.There is for me but little attraction in pleasures that must be snatched.I wish for full consciousness of my happiness.

I led a life of solitude,for which there seemed to be no remedy;for I shrank from openly vicious courses,and the many efforts that I made to enter society were all in vain.There I might have met with some woman who would have undertaken the task of teaching me the perils of every path,who would have formed my manners,counseled me without wounding my vanity,and introduced me everywhere where I was likely to make friends who would be useful to me in my future career.In my despair,an intrigue of the most dangerous kind would perhaps have had its attractions for me;but even peril was out of my reach.My inexperience sent me back again to my solitude,where I dwelt face to face with my thwarted desires.

"At last I formed a connection,at first a secret one,with a girl,whom I persuaded,half against her will,to share my life.Her people were worthy folk,who had but small means.It was not very long before she left her simple sheltered life,and fearlessly intrusted me with a future that virtue would have made happy and fair;thinking,no doubt,that my narrow income was the surest guarantee of my faithfulness to her.From that moment the tempest that had raged within me ceased,and happiness lulled my wild desires and ambitions to sleep.Such happiness is only possible for a young man who is ignorant of the world,who knows nothing as yet of its accepted codes nor of the strength of prejudice;but while it lasts,his happiness is as all-absorbing as a child's.Is not first love like a return of childhood across the intervening years of anxiety and toil?

"There are men who learn life at a glance,who see it for what it is at once,who learn experience from the mistakes of others,who apply the current maxims of worldly wisdom to their own case with signal success,and make unerring forecasts at all times.Wise in their generation are such cool heads as these!But there is also a luckless race endowed with the impressionable,keenly-sensitive temperament of the poet;these are the natures that fall into error,and to this latter class I belonged.There was no great depth in the feeling that first drew me towards this poor girl;I followed my instinct rather than my heart when I sacrificed her to myself,and I found no lack of excellent reasons wherewith to persuade myself that there was no harm whatever in what I had done.And as for her--she was devotion itself,a noble soul with a clear,keen intelligence and a heart of gold.She never counseled me other than wisely.Her love put fresh heart into me from the first;she foretold a splendid future of success and fortune for me,and gently constrained me to take up my studies again by her belief in me.In these days there is scarcely a branch of science that has no bearing upon medicine;it is a difficult task to achieve distinction,but the reward is great,for in Paris fame always means fortune.The unselfish girl devoted herself to me,shared in every interest,even the slightest,of my life,and managed so carefully and wisely that we lived in comfort on my narrow income.I had more money to spare,now that there were two of us,than I had ever had while Ilived by myself.Those were my happiest days.I worked with enthusiasm,I had a definite aim before me,I had found the encouragement I needed.Everything I did or thought I carried to her,who had not only found the way to gain my love,but above and beyond this had filled me with sincere respect for her by the modest discretion which she displayed in a position where discretion and modesty seemed well-nigh impossible.But one day was like another,sir;and it is only after our hears have passed through all the storms appointed for us that we know the value of a monotonous happiness,and learn that life holds nothing more sweet for us than this;a calm happiness in which the fatigue of existence is felt no longer,and the inmost thoughts of either find response in the other's soul.

"My former dreams assailed me again.They were my own vehement longings for the pleasures of wealth that awoke,though it was in love's name that I now asked for them.In the evenings I grew abstracted and moody,rapt in imaginings of the pleasures I could enjoy if I were rich,and thoughtlessly gave expression to my desires in answer to a tender questioning voice.I must have drawn a painful sigh from her who had devoted herself to my happiness;for she,sweet soul,felt nothing more cruelly than the thought that I wished for something that she could not give me immediately.Oh!sir,a woman's devotion is sublime!"There was a sharp distress in the doctor's exclamation which seemed prompted by some recollection of his own;he paused for a brief while,and Genestas respected his musings.

"Well,sir,"Benassis resumed,"something happened which should have concluded the marriage thus begun;but instead of that it put an end to it,and was the cause of all my misfortunes.My father died and left me a large fortune.The necessary business arrangements demanded my presence in Languedoc for several months,and I went thither alone.

At last I had regained my freedom!Even the mildest yoke is galling to youth;we do not see its necessity any more than we see the need to work,until we have had some experience of life.I came and went without giving an account of my actions to any one;there was no need to do so now unless I wished,and I relished liberty with all the keen capacity for enjoyment that we have in Languedoc.I did not absolutely forget the ties that bound me;but I was so absorbed in other matters of interest,that my mind was distracted from them,and little by little the recollection of them faded away.Letters full of heartfelt tenderness reached me;but at two-and-twenty a young man imagines that all women are alike tender;he does not know love from a passing infatuation;all things are confused in the sensations of pleasure which seem at first to comprise everything.It was only later,when Icame to a clearer knowledge of men and of things as they are,that Icould estimate those noble letters at their just worth.No trace of selfishness was mingled with the feeling expressed in them;there was nothing but gladness on my account for my change of fortune,and regret on her own;it never occurred to her that I could change towards her,for she felt that she herself was incapable of change.

But even then I had given myself up to ambitious dreams;I thought of drinking deeply of all the delights that wealth could give,of becoming a person of consequence,of making a brilliant marriage.So Iread the letters,and contented myself with saying,'She is very fond of me,'with the indifference of a coxcomb.Even then I was perplexed as to how to extricate myself from this entanglement;I was ashamed of it,and this fact as well as my perplexity led me to be cruel.We begin by wounding the victim,and then we kill it,that the sight of our cruelty may no longer put us to the blush.Late reflections upon those days of error have unveiled for me many a dark depth in the human heart.Yes,believe me,those who best have fathomed the good and evil in human nature have honestly examined themselves in the first instance.Conscience is the starting-point of our investigations;we proceed from ourselves to others,never from others to ourselves.

"When I returned to Paris I took up my abode in a large house which,in pursuance with my orders,had been taken for me,and the one person interested in my return and change of address was not informed of it.

I wished to cut a figure among young men of fashion.I waited a few days to taste the first delights of wealth;and when,flushed with the excitement of my new position,I felt that I could trust myself to do so,I went to see the poor girl whom I meant to cast off.With a woman's quickness she saw what was passing in my mind,and hid her tears from me.She could not but have despised me;but it was her nature to be gentle and kindly,and she never showed her scorn.Her forbearance was a cruel punishment.An unresisting victim is not a pleasant thing;whether the murder is done decorously in the drawing-room,or brutally on the highway,there should be a struggle to give some plausible excuse for taking a life.I renewed my visits very affectionately at first,making efforts to be gracious,if not tender;by slow degrees I became politely civil;and one day,by a sort of tacit agreement between us,she allowed me to treat her as a stranger,and I thought that I had done all that could be expected of me.