UNIT 3 第三单元 家庭婚姻
Lesson 9 No One Way to Keep Love in Bloom, Experts Say
By Shankar Vedantam
More than a century ago, Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy1wrote, “Happy families are all alike;every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
The words have become immortalized, and the unhappy story of “Anna Karenina2”is considered one of the greatest novels ever written. Recently, however, psychologists and sociologists are starting to question the observation.
“I think Tolstoy was totally wrong, ”said John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle3. “Unhappy families are really similar to one another—there's much more variability among happy families.”
As couples clink wine glasses over candlelit Valentine's Day dinners this week and exchange vows of undying love, Gottman and others are trying to understand why as many as one in two marriages end in divorce, and why so many couples seem to fall out of love and break apart.4
Some of the most revealing answers, it turns out, come from the couples who stay together. While conventional wisdom holds that conflicts in a relationship slowly erode the bonds that hold partners together, couples who are happy in the long term turn out to have plenty of conflicts, too. Fights and disagreements are apparently intrinsic to all relationships—couples who stay together over the long haul are those who don't let the fighting contaminate the other parts of the relationship, experts say5.
“Why do people get married in the first place? ”asked Thomas Bradbury, a professor of psychology at the University of California at Los Angeles6. “To have someone to listen to—to have a friend, to share life's ups and downs. We want to try to draw attention to what's valuable in their relationship.”
Researchers are finding that it is those other parts of relationships—the positive factors—that are potent predictors of whether couples feel committed to relationships, and whether they weather storms and stick together.7As long as those factors are intact, conflicts don't drive people apart.
“What we've discovered is surprising and contrary to what most people think, ”said Gottman, the author of The Mathematics of Marriage8. “Most books say it's important for couples to fight fair9—but 69 percent of all marital conflicts never get resolved because they are about personality differences between couples. What's critical is not whether they resolve conflicts but whether they can cope with them.”
“Every couple has irreconcilable differences, ”agreed Diane Sollee, the founder of smartmarriages. com10, a Web site devoted to teaching couples skills to improve their relationships. She explained such differences ought to be “managed, ”instead of being grounds for separations, split-ups and divorce.11
Almost 90 percent of Americans marry at some point in their lives. An overwhelming number of those who get divorced marry a second time, meaning that although they may have lost faith in a partner, they have not lost faith in the promise of the institution.
At the same time, changing social mores and expectations have placed stresses on long-term relationships. Two-income couples juggle (juggling)demanding jobs and professional advancement can sometimes detract from family and intimate relationships.12
Simultaneously, the rising number of women in the workforce has given women the economic security to leave unhappy relationships, the sexual revolution has made sex before and outside marriage common, and the destigmatization of divorce has contributed to the phenomenon of serial monogamy13.
Despite these pressures and temptations, most Americans still seek lifelong soul mates14—and expectations from love and marriage have never been higher.
The juxtaposition of high expectations with the stress and cycles of relationships appears to be an important reason why many relationships don't work, said Ted Huston, a professor of human ecology and psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, who tracked 168 couples over 132⅟years.
Huston found that changes in the first two years of marriage often predicted the outcome of relationships. Almost half of all divorces occur within the first seven years of marriage, according to national census data15, and many of these “early exiters”report a decline in “bliss”right after marriage16.
“When you look at them as newlyweds, they look like they are mutually enchanted and deeply in love and a prototype of your perfectly wed couple—they hug, kiss, say, ‘I love you'all the time, ”he said. “Two years later—they've lost a lot of that romance. They think, ‘We once had this great romance, and now we don't.'”
“People have this fairly unrealistic idea: ‘I have got to have bliss and it's got to stay or this is not going to work,17'”he said. “At some level, you don't need the bliss. The Hollywood romance may not be the prelude to a long-term happy marriage.18”
Couples who were happy over the long term reported being content at the start of relationships and still contented two years later. Some of these couples told Huston, “‘I wasn't sure I was in love because I didn't have the tingly feelings you are supposed to have, '”he said. “They worried their feelings were positive but not intense.19”
Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle, said her study of 6,000 couples—heterosexual, gay, lesbian, married and cohabiting—also revealed that couples in long-term relationships tended to have mutual respect, took pride in each other and saw themselves as equals.
“Very successful couples we studied had something besides children that was enjoyable to their relationship, ”she added. “It could be travel, hospice work, working on a summer place.... Those things bring stability because they confer pleasure and identity in the way people live together. If you don't like to be together, and don't like the same friends and don't have the same hobbies, you have a problem.”
No scientific study, of course, says much about an individual couple—and the new research underscores that there are a wide variety of happy couples. And factors beyond individual circumstance—social and family supports, socioeconomic status, government and workplace policies —can help and hinder relationships.
For example, said Marilyn Yalom, a cultural historian at the Institute for Research on Women and Gender at Stanford University and the author of A History of the Wife,20the arrival of babies significantly adds to parents'stress. Inexpensive and affordable child care, equitable benefits for gay and lesbian families, and more generous leave policies after the birth of a child can influence how lovers feel about themselves—and each other.
From The Washington Post, Monday, February 11, 2002
I. New Words
bliss [blis] n. extreme happiness
clink [kliŋk] v. （使）发丁当声
candlelit [ˈkændlˌlit] adj. lit by candles
cohabit [kəuˈhæbit] v. （男女）同居
contaminate [kənˈtæmineit] v. 污染
content [kənˈtent] adj. happy and satisfied
ecology [iːˈkɔlədʒi] n. 生态；人类生态学
destigmatization [ˌdistigmətaiˈzeiʃən] n. the act of getting rid of the disgraceful mark
enchant [inˈtʃɑːnt] v. to attract and delight
equitable [ˈekwitəbl] adj. just and impartial
erode [iˈrəud] v. to gradually make sth weaker
exiter [ˈeksitə] n. a person who exits
heterosexual [ˌhetərəuˈseksjuəl] adj. 异性的；异性恋的
hinder [ˈhində] v. to be or get in the way of
hospice [ˈhɔspis] n. 收容所，济贫院
immortalized [iˈmɔːtəlaizd] adj. 不朽的，名垂千古的
intact [inˈtækt] adj. not changed or damaged in any way
intrinsic [inˈtrinsik] adj. 固有的，内在的
irreconcilable [iˈrekənsailəbl] adj. 不能和解的
juxtaposition [ˌdʒʌkstəpəˈziʃən] n. 并置，并列
lesbian [ˈlezbiən, -bjən] adj.&n. （女性）同性恋的；同性恋的女性
monogamy [mɔˈnɔgəmi] n. 一夫一妻制
mores [ˈmɔːriːz] n. 道德观念
newlywed [ˈnjuːliwed] n. a person who has recently married
overwhelming [ˌəuvəˈwelmiŋ] adj. very great in number
prelude [ˈpreljuːd] n. 先驱；前奏，序幕
prototype [ˈprəutətaip] n. 原型；典型
tingly [ˈtiŋli] adj. causing a feeling of excitement
underscore [ˌʌndəˈskɔː] v. to emphasize; stress
undying [ʌnˈdaiiŋ] adj. 不死的，永恒的；不朽的
II. Background Information
美国人的婚姻观念
二战前，美国人的婚姻较为牢固，离婚被社会视为一种耻辱。20世纪40年代社会学教科书上写明：“离婚是公认的个人生活失败”。
二战后，妇女就业率不断上升。妇女经济独立性的增强使丈夫对妻子的约束力也就减小了。工作使已婚妇女扩大了社会圈子，同时也增加了重新择偶的可能性。
美国进入60年代之后价值观念发生了很大变化。妇女解放运动增强了她们保护自身权益的意识，性解放运动（Sexual Liberation Movement）对传统性观念造成重大冲击。个体主义（individualism）价值观的发展使美国人更加崇尚个人幸福和注重个人的选择。
过去，大多数美国人认为，即使夫妻感情不和，为了孩子利益也得维持婚姻。然而，随着“追求个人欢乐”的观念增强，越来越多的人把个人利益放在首位，夫妇利益次位，孩子利益末位（self interest first, spousal interest second, and kids'interest last）。有的美国人类学者甚至提倡双方不受约束的“开放式婚姻”（open marriage），认为这样“可使个人获得最大的满足”。美国传媒对婚姻观念的改变起了推波助澜的作用，不少媒体把离婚颂扬为“自我解放”（self-liberation）, “获得新生”（rebirth）。
观念的变化导致了法律的更改。1969年加州颁布了“无过失离婚法”（no-fault divorce law），其他一些地区相继仿效，离婚变得越来越容易。婚姻观念的变化造成了下列四个问题：
1．同居人数增加（increase of cohabitants）。据最近的调查，美国结婚者中2/3有过同居经历。同居关系（live-in unions）比婚姻关系（married unions）更加脆弱。
2．晚婚情况普遍（Late marriage has become more common.）。美国年轻人晚婚者越来越多。1970年女性平均首次结婚年龄为20.8岁，男性为23.2岁。2003年这两个数字分别上升到25.3岁和27.1岁。
3．离婚比率上升。20世纪50年代，有90%的新婚可以维系至少10年时间，而到90年代，这一比例已降至50%以下。于是，社会上流行“七年之痒”（seven-year itch）之说。
4．通奸问题严重。据一些社会学者的调查，美国现在至少有60%的人有过婚外情（extra-marital affair）的经历。
上述问题并非说明美国人对婚姻持否定态度。调查显示：绝大多数美国人还是肯定婚姻的价值，30岁之前，有65%的男性，71%的女性结过婚。60岁之前，有97%的男性，95%的女性结过婚。
近些年来，美国政府和社会机构采取了不少积极措施加强婚姻体制（the institution of marriage），譬如中学开设婚姻价值观课程，对已婚者开办“夫妻交流”（couple communication）讲座和“婚姻技能培训班”（marriage skill workshops）等，有的州还颁布旨在限制离婚的“契约婚姻法”（covenant marriage law）。
III. Notes to the Text
1. Leo Tolstoy—列夫·托尔斯泰（1828—1910，俄国作家，位居世界文学领域最伟大的小说家之列，其杰作有《战争与和平》、《安娜·卡列尼娜》和《复活》）
2. Anna Karenina—《安娜·卡列尼娜》（小说描述公爵夫人安娜·卡列尼娜与沃伦斯基的婚外情并不顾强大社会压力与其私奔，后又遭沃伦斯基的冷淡，付出了失去家庭、儿子和社会地位的高昂代价。）
3. the University of Washington in Seattle—华盛顿大学西雅图分校
4. As couples clink wine glasses ... so many couples seem to fall out of love and break apart.—当情侣们在本周情人节的烛光晚餐碰杯相互海誓山盟的时候，哥德曼与其他人正在试图弄懂为什么多达一半的婚姻都以离婚而告终，为什么如此多的夫妻似乎不再相爱，彼此分开。（fall out of—give up）
5. couples who stay together over the long haul are those who don't let the fighting contaminate the other parts of the relationship, experts say—experts say that the long-term couples won't let the conflicts damage other parts of their relationship（over the long haul—for a long period of time）
6. the University of California at Los Angeles—加州大学洛杉矶分校
7. Researchers are finding that it is those other parts of relationships ... whether they weather storms and stick together.—研究者们发现正是婚姻关系中的这些其他方面——积极的因素——能有效地预测配偶们是否会忠诚于他们的婚姻，是否能共渡难关，长期相守。（①potent—effective; ②weather storm—to come safely through a difficult period）
8. The Mathematics of Marriage—《婚姻数学》（The book is intended to provide the foundation for a scientific theory of marital relations. It applies a mathematical model using different equations.）
9. Most books say it's important for couples to fight fair.—大多数书都说重要的是夫妻间的矛盾要心平气和地解决。（fight fair—to discuss differences in a calm and open-minded way）
10. the founder of smartmarriages.com—美国“聪明婚姻”网站（smartmarriages.com）的创始人（该网站旨在通过提供夫妻教育和相关信息而维护婚姻和减少家庭破裂）
11. She explained such differences ought to be “managed, ”instead of being grounds for separations, split-ups and divorce.—她解释说这些分歧应该处理好，而不应成为分居、关系破裂和离婚的理由（grounds—good reasons）
12. Two-income couples juggle (juggling) demanding jobs and professional advancement can sometimes detract from family and intimate relationships.—双职工夫妻干的是要求高的工作，同时又要求得事业上发展，这有时会损害家庭和夫妻亲密关系。（①juggle—to try to fit two or more jobs or activities into one's life; ②demanding—needing a lot of ability, effort, or skill; ③detract from sth—to make sth less good than it really is）
13. the destigmatization of divorce has contributed to the phenomenon of serial monogamy—离婚不再被视为耻辱，这便促使了阶段性单配偶现象的出现（serial monogamy—指不断离散并与新伴结合而每次维持的时间很短的一夫一妻关系）
14. soul mates—心心相印的伙伴（two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity）
15. national census data—人口普查资料
16. many of these “early exiters”report a decline in “bliss”right after marriage—许多“早离者”说他们刚结婚幸福感就下降了
17. I have got to have bliss and it's got to stay or this is not going to work.—我得有幸福感，而且一直得有，否则不行。
18. The Hollywood romance may not be the prelude to a long-term happy marriage.—好莱坞式的浪漫并不一定是长期幸福婚姻的序幕。（Hollywood—referring to films produced by Hollywood studios）
19. They worried their feelings were positive but not intense.—他们当初还担心，尽管他们的感情是积极的，但是不够强烈。
20. Marilyn Yalom, a cultural historian at the Institute for Research on Women and Gender at Stanford University and the author of A History of the Wife—美国斯坦福大学女性与性别研究所的文化历史学家，《妻子的历史》的作者玛丽莲·亚隆
IV. Language Features
《华盛顿邮报》简介
1877年，斯蒂尔森·哈欣森（Stilson Huchins）创办了《华盛顿邮报》。
1933年，美国60位富翁之一，联邦储备银行董事长尤金·迈耶（Eugene Meyer）买下了《华盛顿邮报》。迈耶立志为首都读者提供“全面正确的观点”。为加强社论写作，他专门聘用了社论写作获得普利策奖的编辑。此外，他还聘用了一位著名的漫画家。很快，《华盛顿邮报》的社论和国内新闻解释性报道就赢得了社会的赞赏，获得了“富有才智和人情味，观点开明”的良好声誉。在1933年至1943年这段时间里，该报发行量增加了两倍，
1946年迈耶担任联合国国际银行（the International Bank）总裁。《华盛顿邮报》发行人由其女婿菲利普·格雷厄姆（Philip Graham）担任。格雷厄姆加强了报社编辑部力量配备。
50年代初麦卡锡主义猖狂时期，该报持开明态度，很早就公开抨击麦卡锡煽动反共情绪的伎俩。1954年，该报发行量已增加到38万份，成为政府官员、国会议员和驻华盛顿记者的必读报。
1954年菲利普·格雷厄姆买下了《华盛顿邮报》的竞争劲敌《华盛顿时代—先驱报》（The Washington Times-Herald），又与《洛杉矶时报》合办专供两家报纸使用的通讯、专栏、特稿的辛迪加。1961年他又购入《新闻周刊》。从此之后，华盛顿邮报公司的经济地位得以巩固。
1963年，格雷厄姆由于抑郁症自杀，其妻凯瑟林·格雷厄姆担任《华盛顿邮报》公司总裁。
1971年《华盛顿邮报》继《纽约时报》之后，刊登了“五角大楼秘密文件”（the Pentagon Papers），揭露美国政府在战争中的欺骗行为，为此而名声大振。1972年，该报两名年轻记者伍德沃德（Bob Woodward）和伯恩斯坦（Carl Bernstain）关于水门丑闻（the Watergate Scandal）的调查性报道揭露了尼克松总统的重大政治丑闻。这一成功报道使该报荣获1973年普利策公共服务奖。
1981年，华盛顿邮报由于刊登了一篇骗得普利策奖的该报记者珍尼·库克（Janet Cooke）所杜撰的有关一位名叫吉米（Jimmy）的男孩吸食海洛因的虚假报道，而形象受到损害。但是，1983年该报又获两项普利策奖，声誉再度上升。
1986年，该报率先调查美国向伊朗出售武器的丑闻和美国政府为颠覆尼加拉瓜政府而挪用资金支持该政府反对派的事件。
2000—2008年期间，该报记者共获18项普利策奖。
《华盛顿邮报》注重国会和政府活动的新闻报道，国际新闻报道也较多，该报威望较高，影响较大。1983年该报增设了全国版。目前平日发行量为75万左右，星期日发行量为100万多一些。平日版有六组文章：A组为国内、国际新闻（National News, World News）; B组为本市新闻（Metro）; C组为文化娱乐新闻（Style）; D组为体育新闻（Sports）; E组为商务经济新闻（Business）; F组为健康内容（Health）。每期内容有60多页。
该报政治观点倾向民主党。
V. Analysis of Content
1. According to Gottman, couples who stick together for a long term tend to___.
A. fight fair
B. have no conflicts
C. manage their differences well
D. have intense feelings of love
2. Which of the following is Not on Bradbury's list of reasons for marriage?
A. Having someone to listen to.
B. Having a friend.
C. Having someone share ups and downs.
D. Having someone look after you.
3. It can be seen from the article that Americans'expectations from marriage___.
A. are higher than before
B. are lower than before
C. are as high as before
D. have dropped to the bottom
4. According to the book The Mathematics of Marriage, most of marital conflicts never get resolved because they are about___.
A. personality differences
B. age differences
C. income differences
D. differences in expectations
5. According to the findings made by psychologists and sociologists, which of the following statements is Not true?
A. Every couple has irreconcilable differences.
B. Couples who stay together over the long term don't let conflicts contaminate the other parts of the relationship.
C. All happy couples have resolved their conflicts.
D. Social factors can affect couples'relationship.
VI. Questions on the Article
1. What was Tolstoy's observation on happy and unhappy families?
2. What is Gottman's view on Tolstoy's observation?
3. According to the researchers, what are the potent predictors of whether couples feel committed to relationships?
4. What are the effects of changing social mores and expectations on marriage?
5. What's Huston's finding about the failure of many relationships?
6. How did couples who were happy over the long term feel about marriages according to Huston's study?
7. What did Schwartz find about very successful couples?
8. What are the factors beyond individual circumstance which may affect couples'relationships?
VII. Topics for Discussion
1. Are unhappy families similar to one another?
2. Which is more important for couples, resolving conflicts or managing conflicts？