第6章 Building Relationships

It didn't take long for Larry and Janice to begin applying what they had learned from Wendy and Harold. In fact, it started happening the next day.

"Who was that on the phone?" asked Janice.

"Oh, it was Rob."

Janice frowned. "Again? Seems like we've been seeing an awful lot of him since the reunion. What did he want?"

"Come on, Janice. I know Rob's not the best listener, but remember what Wendy and Harold told us about looking for the pearl of good in everyone."

"Yeah, but anytime I say anything to Rob, he hijacks the conversation and makes it about him."

Larry smiled. "Yeah, but do you know a more generous guy than Rob?"

"You're right-we've had some wonderful times with him. So what did he want?"

He asked if we wanted to go see a movie with him tonight."

"Tonight?" Janice questioned.

"Yeah, tonight, and he wants to go in about a half hour. But the movie's playing at the Cinema Guild, and we'd have to meet him in twenty minutes," Larry explained. "I really hate the Cinema Guild."

"So what did you say?" asked Janice.

"I said no, because there isn't enough time and the movie isn't something I'm interested-"

"Well, what's the movie?" Janice interrupted.

"It's some type of a cartoon," said Larry.

"You mean an animated movie?"

"Yeah, a cartoon."

"No, animated movies are not cartoons. They're a new kind of media that you're not very comfortable with."

"It's not that I'm not comfortable with it-I'd just rather watch real people."

"You may want to rethink that," said Janice. "Now why did you say no?"

"Because like I told you, there's not enough time and it's at the Cinema Guild-a theater I don't like-and it's the kind of movie I'm not sure I want to see."

"Honey, if you listen to what you just said, it sounds kind of stuffy and maybe even a little bit rigid. Remember what Wendy and Harold taught us yesterday about being flexible."

"Me? Stuffy and rigid?" said Larry with a smile.

"Yeah, you!"

"What are you talking about?" Larry joked.

"We haven't seen a movie in several weeks. So if Rob invites us to one, why not go?"

"But we haven't even had dinner yet."

"So what? We can skip dinner, or even have popcorn for dinner."

"Popcorn for dinner!"

"Yes. Popcorn for dinner."

"That just sounds weird."

"Maybe it's weird to you, but it sounds like fun to me. Would it be more fun to stay at home, cook dinner, eat, and do nothing for the rest of the night? Come on, Larry. Let's give it a try! I'm going to call Rob back right now and tell him we'll meet him. What do we have to lose?"

Larry reluctantly agreed, mumbling that he still thought it sounded pretty weird.

Within twenty minutes, Larry and Janice were running up to the box office, where Rob had just arrived.

"Okay, let's do it!" said Janice.

As they walked in, Larry was still grumbling, but Janice was having great fun.

"How about a hot dog?" Janice suggested.

"A hot dog?"

"Yeah, how about a hot dog? We haven't had dinner yet; let's have a hot dog, a soda, and a cookie for dessert!"

"A hot dog, soda, and a cookie for dessert. There goes our healthy eating plan."

"Yep. I don't think this one time of eating junk food is going to hurt us. Doing something different and spontaneous will be fun."

After the movie, Rob, Janice, and Larry engaged in a lively conversation as they walked toward the exit.

"What a terrific movie!" said Larry.

"Yes," said Rob. "I'd read the reviews and thought I'd like it."

"And if Rob likes something, he assumes everybody will like it," said Janice with a laugh.

"In this case Rob was right," said Larry. "I did like it-even though it was a cartoon!"

"An animated movie," Rob and Janice chimed in.

"Okay, okay, okay. An animated movie."

The three went into a café to get some coffee and continued talking about the movie. Rob said he had been planning to spend the evening at home until he picked up the paper and saw the movie's positive reviews.

"I thought of calling you guys," said Rob, "but the past few times when I've called at the last minute, you seemed to get offended. I was almost going to pass. I wasn't surprised when you said no, Larry, but was really happy when Janice called back and said yes."

With that, Larry and Janice told Rob about their discussions with Dr. Jeffrey and their commitment to refiring their relationships-looking for the positive and being more spontaneous.

"Good for you two," said Rob. "I'm glad you started refiring with me. And doing things at the last minute is not such a bad idea. That we have busy lives is just a fact of life, but when good things pop up unexpectedly, we should jump at the chance to say yes."

"But the way I like to go to the movies is first to go out to dinner, then see the movie, and then have a chance to talk afterward," Larry said.

"Yeah, but it doesn't always have to be that way," said Rob. "Did you have fun tonight? Do you wish you'd stayed home? Are you sorry you're sitting here with us instead of watching TV at home? Sometimes doing things at the last minute is fun."

As the conversation continued, Larry thought, I guess Harold and Wendy were right. Not only am I having a good time with Rob, but he's even encouraging me to practice what they preached.

The following week Janice came home excited. "Larry, I got the director's job!" she announced. "Why don't we celebrate by having Phil and Kelly over for dinner?"

Larry and Janice had known Phil and Kelly for more than two decades. Phil was a retired accountant and Kelly had been a fourth grade teacher at the local elementary school until a few years ago, when she began doing pottery and entering her work in local art shows.

"That's a good idea," said Larry. "We haven't seen them for a long time. When should we have them for dinner?"

"Well, how about tonight?" said Janice.

"Tonight?"

"Yeah, tonight!"

"But it's already six o'clock. They probably have plans," said Larry.

"Well, maybe they don't."

"But even if they don't have plans, how are we going to get a dinner together in an hour?" he asked.

"Let's go get some of that great take-out from the Thai restaurant."

"Take-out?"

"Yeah, take-out," said Janice.

"But I like it when we cook a really nice meal for our friends," Larry countered.

Janice smiled. "Are you being rigid again?" she kidded. "Are you forgetting what a good time we had with Rob last week?"

"Okay," said Larry. "I'll give it a try again."

Janice put the phone on speaker and dialed Phil and Kelly's number. When Kelly picked up, Janice asked, "Hey, what are you guys doing for dinner?"

On the other end of the line, Kelly said, "We haven't thought about it yet."

"Why don't you come over here for some take-out Thai food?"

"When?" asked Kelly.

"How about in an hour?"

"In about an hour?"

"Yeah!"

"Well-hold on."

There was a pause and Janice and Larry could hear Kelly consulting with Phil. Suddenly Kelly was back on the line.

"Okay!" she said.

At dinner that night, Larry and Janice talked with Phil and Kelly about what had happened. They shared about their meeting with Wendy and Harold and described their experience the week before, going to the movies with Rob at the last minute.

At that point, Larry stood up and announced, "Okay! I am declaring us charter members of the Last-Minute Gang!"

"The Last-Minute Gang?" asked Janice.

"Yes, the Last-Minute Gang! And I'm going to call Rob and tell him he's a charter member, too."

After that, they all got excited about the Last-Minute Gang. They admitted that they had fallen into the rut of doing the same things, the same way, with the same people. After a while, they began to form Last-Minute Gangs with their other friends.

When asked what the Last-Minute Gang was all about, Larry would explain that being a member of the gang meant you felt free to ask anybody to do anything at the last minute. The person who answered the call had the right to say yes or no, but unless they had a compelling reason not to say yes-for example, they were already eating when you invited them for dinner or were already at the movies when you invited them to a play-they said yes.

Larry summed it up this way:

"Unless there's a legitimate reason to say no, you say yes!"

Larry's willingness to be open to new experiences was soon tested.

"So how did it go?" Janice asked as Larry came walking in the door.

"Incredible," said Larry.

"Really?" said Janice. "I'm surprised. What made it incredible?"

Larry had just come back from dinner at a sushi restaurant with his fifteen-year-old grandson, Paul. Larry had been reluctant to go, thinking, How can you have a whole meal of raw fish? But Paul had prodded him and Janice had urged him to go.

"So, what happened?" asked Janice.

"First, it took me a half hour to find the place, because it was in the back of a shopping mall, and you know how I am with directions," said Larry.

"Of course I know how you are with directions. The GPS has saved your life."

"You're right. When I finally found the restaurant, it was like a diner, with a long counter and three or four tables. I arrived first, so I sat at the counter and watched the people come in. In a few minutes, every single seat was taken. Everyone kept looking at the chefs, who were cutting and sorting and putting things on plates, then giving them to people. When I got a menu, the only thing I could order was something to drink, so I got a beer for myself and a soda for Paul.

"At that point a server came over and asked me if it was my first time at a sushi place. I admitted it was and asked her how it worked.

"She smiled and said, 'We keep bringing you food until you tell us to stop.'

"'Really?' I said. I didn't ask how much it cost, because Paul had already told me, 'It's going to be really expensive, Grandpa.'

"A few minutes later, Paul arrived and gave me a hug. I was drinking my beer, he began drinking his soda, and one of the chefs behind the counter came over and said, 'Ready?'

"And Paul said, 'You bet!'

"So for the next hour, they served us sushi. Every dish was different, and every time, the chef told us whether to put a sauce on it and what sauce to use."

"And?" asked Janice.

"And it was great-the food just kept coming and coming. Paul showed me a new way to use chopsticks and how to put the sauces on. He was so funny and friendly that he had everyone in the restaurant smiling.

"We finally were stuffed," continued Larry, "so I paid the bill and we headed out of the restaurant. That's when the best part of the evening started."

"What happened?" asked Janice.

"Paul had never been in my new car, and when he saw it he was thrilled."

Larry had bought a convertible a few weeks ago. With his new attitude of thinking outside the box, he made a vow that as long as he was able to drive, he would have a convertible.

"So I asked Paul, 'Should I put the top down?'

"Of course he said, 'Sure!' So in a few minutes we were driving along Wilshire Boulevard with the top down, the stars bright, and the radio blasting jazz.

"Paul was sitting back and tapping his knee with his eyes closed. He opened his eyes, gave me a big smile, and said, 'Two cool dudes doing the town!'

"I have rarely felt so complimented," said Larry, "and I have really started to refire our relationship."

"So what did you learn from this experience?" asked Janice.

"I'm learning that even though I thought I was open to new experiences, I still have a ways to go. As you would guess, my idea would have been to go out to a restaurant where I'm comfortable-where I know what the rules are, what to order, and what to expect. Going to a sushi restaurant with Paul-in an area I didn't know-made me feel uncomfortable."

"But you decided to go for it," said Janice with a smile.

"You bet I did! And it was one of the best things that's ever happened between Paul and me. Now I have to figure out how to take it to the next level."

Over the next three months, Larry and Janice refired their relationships-trying new things, connecting with their neighbors, looking for the pearls in people, and reaching out to old friends in new ways.

After a particularly fun night at a concert with some friends they hadn't seen in years, Janice said, "I've been having so much more fun since we've made a conscious effort to love and connect with people and try new experiences. If we keep this up, we'll have to call Wendy and Harold and tell them what's been happening with us around refiring emotionally."

PAUSE, REFLECT, TAKE ACTION

When was the last time you ventured out of your comfort zone, and what did you do?

What new things have you thought about doing but have not acted on?

If you were going to start your own Last-Minute Gang, who would you invite?

When will you begin?

Choose one other person/couple to help you start a Last-Minute Gang and contact them.