第4章 寻找希望

MEANWHILE the desire to express myself grew. The few signs I used became less and less adequate, and my failures to make myself understood were invariably followed by outbursts of passion. I felt as if invisible hands were holding me, and I made frantic efforts to free myself. I struggled-not that struggling helped matters, but the spirit of resistance was strong within me; I generally broke down in tears and physical exhaustion. If my mother happened to be near I crept into her arms, too miserable even to remember the cause of the tempest. After awhile the need of some means of communication became so urgent that these outbursts occurred daily, sometimes hourly.

My parents were deeply grieved and perplexed. We lived a long way from any school for the blind or the deaf, and it seemed unlikely that any one would come to such an out- of- the- way place as Tuscumbia to teach a child who was both deaf and blind. Indeed, my friends and relatives sometimes doubted whether I could be taught. My mother's only ray of hope came from Dickens's“American Notes”. She had read his account of Laura Bridgman, and remembered vaguely that she was deaf and blind, yet had been educated. But she also remembered with a hopeless pang that Dr. Howe, who had discovered the way to teach the deaf and blind, had been dead many years. His methods had probably died with him; and if they had not, how was a little girl in a far-off town in Alabama to receive the benefit of them?

When I was about six years old, my father heard of an eminent oculist in Baltimore, who had been successful in many cases that had seemed hopeless. My parents at once determined to take me to Baltimore to see if anything could be done for my eyes.

The journey, which I remember well, was very pleasant. I made friends with many people on the train. One lady gave me a box of shells. My father made holes in these so that I could string them, and for a long time they kept me happy and contented. The conductor, too, was kind. Often when he went his rounds I clung to his coat tails while he collected and punched the tickets. His punch, with which he let me play, was a delightful toy. Curled up in a corner of the seat I amused myself for hours making funny little holes in bits of cardboard.

My aunt made me a big doll out of towels. It was the most comical, shapeless thing, this improvised doll, with no nose,mouth, ears or eyes- nothing that even the imagination of a child could convert into a face. Curiously enough, the absence of eyes struck me more than all the other defects put together. I pointed this out to everybody with provoking persistency, but no one seemed equal to the task of providing the doll with eyes. A bright idea, however, shot into my mind, and the problem was solved. I tumbled off the seat and searched under it until I found my aunt's cape, which was trimmed with large beads. I pulled two beads off and indicated to her that I wanted her to sew them on doll. She raised my hand to her eyes in a questioning way, and I nodded energetically. The beads were sewed in the right place and I could not contain myself for joy; but immediately I lost all interest in the doll. During the whole trip I did not have one fit of temper, there were so many things to keep my mind and fingers busy.

When we arrived in Baltimore, Dr. Chisholm received us kindly:but he could do nothing. He said, however, that I could be educated, and advised my father to consult Dr. Alexander Graham Bell, of Washington, who would be able to give him information about schools and teachers of deaf or blind children. Acting on the doctor's advice, we went immediately to Washington to see Dr. Bell, my father with a sad heart and many misgivings, I wholly unconscious of his anguish, finding pleasure in the excitement of moving from place to place.

Child as I was, I at once felt the tenderness and sympathy which endeared Dr. Bell to so many hearts, as his wonderful achievements enlist their admiration. He held me on his knee while I examined his watch, and he made it strike for me. He understood my signs, and I knew it and loved him at once. But I did not dream that that interview would be the door through which I should pass from darkness into light, from isolation to friendship, companionship, knowledge, love.

Dr. Bell advised my father to write to Mr. Anagnos, director of the Perkins Institution in Boston, the scene of Dr. Howe's great labours for the blind, and ask him if he had a teacher competent to begin my education. This my father did at once, and in a few weeks there came a kind letter from Mr. Anagnos with the comforting assurance that a teacher had been found. This was in the summer of 1886. But Miss Sullivan did not arrive until the following March.

Thus I came up out of Egypt and stood before Sinai, and a power divine touched my spirit and gave it sight, so that I beheld many wonders. And from the sacred mountain I heard a voice which said,“Knowledge is love and light and vision.”

随着年龄的增长，希望表达我自己思想情感的愿望开始增加。我使用的那几种单调的手势也渐渐显得少而不够用了。每当别人无法理解我的手语的意思时，我都会大发脾气。我感觉仿佛有许多看不见的手紧紧地抓着我，我拼命挣扎，想获得自由。我拼命抗争，烈火在体内燃烧，可是却无法表达出来，我只能是疯狂地厮打，直至精疲力竭。如果母亲正好在旁边，我就会一头扑在她怀中，伤心欲绝，以至于为什么发脾气都忘了。过了一段时间，由于我想表达思想的愿望变得越发强烈，以至于每天都要发脾气，有时甚至每小时就发一次火。

我的父母处于极度痛苦之中，然而却又毫无办法。我们居住的地方离任何一所聋哑学校都很远，而且好像不会有谁愿意到塔斯坎比亚镇这样偏僻的地方来教一个盲聋哑孩子。事实上，当时大家都怀疑我是否还能接受教育。然而，母亲从狄更斯的《美国人札记》中看到了一线希望。她读过狄更斯书中提到的盲聋哑少女劳拉·布里奇曼，劳拉在豪博士的教导下，学有所成。然而，当得知这位发明盲聋人教育方法的豪博士已经去世许多年，他的方法也许已经随着他的去世而失传时，母亲苦恼极了。或者即使这些方法没有失传，又如何让我这样一个住在亚拉巴马州这个偏远小镇的小女孩从中受益呢？

在我大约6岁时，父亲听说巴尔的摩有一位著名的眼科大夫，他已经成功地治好了几个似乎没有希望治好的盲人。我的父母立即决定带我去巴尔的摩，看看是否有什么办法治我的眼睛。

这次旅行非常愉快，我至今依然记得非常清楚。我在火车上交了许多朋友。一位女士送了我一盒贝壳，父亲把这些贝壳都钻了孔，好让我用线一个一个地将它们串起来，有很长一段时间，这些贝壳给我带来了极大的快乐和满足。列车员也很和善，每次他来例行检查或检票时，我就拉着他的衣角。他会让我玩他检票的剪子，这可是一个很好的玩具。我会趴在座位的一角，把一些零碎的卡片打些小孔，玩上好几个小时。

我姑妈用毛巾给我做了一个大娃娃，可它不过是一个非常滑稽的、没有形状的玩意儿，既没有鼻子和嘴巴，也没有耳朵和眼睛。即使孩子最丰富的想象力，也说不出那张脸是个什么样子。极具讽刺意味的是，洋娃娃没有眼睛对我来说比其他任何缺陷加在一起的打击还要大。我给每个人指出了这一点，坚持让大家想办法，但最终还是没有人能给洋娃娃安上眼睛。这时，一个聪明的想法在我大脑中闪现，这个问题立即得到了解决。我溜下座位，找到姑妈的披肩，这件披肩上缀着一些大珠子。我扯下两颗珠子，示意姑妈，想让她缝在洋娃娃的脸上。姑妈以疑问的方式牵着我的手去摸她的眼睛，我使劲地点点头。她将珠子缝在了洋娃娃合适的地方，我真有说不出来的高兴。但没过多久，我对洋娃娃就失去了兴趣。在整个旅途中，有如此多的吸引我的事情，我的大脑和手指一直忙个不停，所以一次脾气也没有发。

我们到达巴尔的摩之后，齐夏姆医生热情地接待了我们，但是他也没有办法。不过他说我可以接受教育，并建议我父亲带我去华盛顿向亚历山大·格雷厄姆·贝尔博士咨询，也许他会给我们提供有关聋哑儿童学校以及老师的相关信息。根据齐夏姆医生的建议，我们立刻赶到华盛顿去看望贝尔博士。一路上，父亲心情沉重，顾虑重重，而我对他的痛苦却毫无觉察，反而在从一个地方奔波到另一个地方的旅行中找到了乐趣。

虽然我当时还是个孩子，但是我一接触贝尔博士，就感受到了他的亲切和仁爱，同时也理解了他为什么能赢得那么多人的喜爱和尊敬。他把我抱在膝上，让我玩他的表。他让手表的闹铃响起来，好让我感觉到表的震动。博士懂得我的手势，我也能明白他的意思，并立刻喜欢上了他。当时我并没有意识到，这次见面将会成为我人生的转折点，使我从此由黑暗走向光明，由孤独走向友情、集体、智慧和爱。

贝尔博士建议父亲写信给安纳格罗斯先生，他是波士顿帕金斯学校的校长，请他为我找一位启蒙老师。帕金斯学校是《美国人札记》中豪博士为盲聋哑人孜孜不倦工作的地方。父亲立刻写了信，几个星期后我们就收到了安纳格罗斯先生一封热情的回信，他在信中安慰式地保证说已经找到老师了。这是1886年夏天的事，但莎莉文老师直到第二年3月才来到我们家。

就这样，我就像摩西走出了埃及，站在了西奈山的面前，感受到一种奇妙而难以言喻的力量涌遍我的全身，我眼前展现出无数奇景。从这座圣山上我听到一个声音这样说：“知识给人以爱，给人以光明，给人以智慧。”