■永不忘却的纪念
Melody
◎Jennifer Koscheski/詹尼弗·科谢斯基
“Melody asked me to do this for her, and I said I would because I want her to be remembered well. But this is very difficult for me. There were thirteen months between us; she is in my memories as far back as they go, and I don’t know how to live in a world without Melody in it.” With these heartbroken words, and in a voice hoarse from weeping, I began my sister’s eulogy[25]. For the next twenty minutes, I tried to explain to those in attendance how wonderful, good and worthy of life my sister was, and give them a glimpse of the void her death caused.
By all understanding of the bond, we were good sisters. Until our marriages we slept together, sharing our secrets in whispers and giggles[26] once the lights were out. We played often, fought sometimes and stuck together fiercely in school. We double-dated in high school, and she married first. We each had two sons and two daughters and poured ourselves into motherhood. Though our marriages forced us to live several states apart, we wrote often,
名人语库
～Rufus Wainwright
——鲁弗斯·温赖特
“梅让我为她致悼辞，她说我肯定愿意，因为我希望人们能好好地记住她。但是，这对我来说非常困难。我们一起度过了她生命中最后的13个月。无论岁月怎样流转，她始终活在我的记忆深处，但我不知道失去了她以后，生活该如何继续。”我的声音因为哭泣而变得沙哑。说着这些令人心碎的话语，我开始为妹妹致悼辞。在接下来的20分钟里，我向在场的人们努力诉说着妹妹有多善良、多美好、多么应该继续活下去，也向他们倾诉妹妹的不幸离世给其他人的生活带来了多么莫大的空虚。
毋庸置疑，我们俩是极要好的姐妹。在结婚前，我们总是窝在一起睡觉；熄灯以后，我们窃窃私语着，分享彼此心中的秘密，有时也会咯咯大笑起来。我们经常一块儿玩，有的时候也会打起架来，但在学校时，我们总是团结如一人。高中时，我们和各自的男朋友总是一起约会，但
and burned the phone lines between us with our calls because sometimes we just had to hear the other’s voice.
I thought we knew all there was about being good sisters. Then she was diagnosed with cancer. Eleven months before she died she called and told me the dreadful news. The doctors gave her five years. She was scared, and I said I was, too, and we cried. We were not yet forty: How could we face separation in just five years? I still feel angry and cheated that we didn’t get those other four years.
I determined to write her nearly every day and share every bit of the experience with her. I was with her often through the initial treatments, and there was a blissful three months in which no cancer could be found. Then suddenly the cancer returned with a vengeance[27], terrifying in its rapid growth. Her first reaction, when the doctor told her, was to run. She did flee straight to me. We spent a week together praying, talking, crying and laughing. With everything in my soul fighting against the reality of her prognosis, I decided to embrace this horror with her, feeling every emotion, encouraging her in every step. I held her when she cried, and we mourned for the dreams we would never fulfill, the places we would never see together, the weddings she would miss and the grandchildren she would never hold. I promised her everything she asked for. We planned her daughters’ weddings and talked of gifts she wanted her children to have. She listed all her personal belongings, and entrusted their distribution to me. She told me her deepest fears, confessed her shames and regrets, and shared her earnest longing for more time with her kids. During the day, I calmly listened to her, respecting her thoughts, completely awed[28] by her strength and dignity and faith. At
是她先结了婚。我们每人各有两儿两女，在孩子们身上我们倾注了所有的母爱。尽管婚姻使我们之间隔着几个州的距离，但我们经常通信、煲电话粥。有的时候，我们打电话也不过只是想听听对方的声音。
我们是真正意义上的好姐妹。后来，她被诊断出患了癌症。从她打电话告诉我这个噩耗到她去世，中间仅仅隔了11个月。当时，医生告诉她存活期大概只有5年。她很恐惧，我说我也很害怕，我们俩大哭起来。那时我们还未满40岁：让我们如何面对5年之后残酷的生死别离？至今，我仍然对她仅活了1年而不是医生所说的5年耿耿于怀，感觉就像被欺骗了一样。
我下定决心每天给她写信，分享她的点滴感受和经历。在最初的治疗阶段，我经常陪着她。在大约3个月的时间里，很幸运地，没有在她体内发现癌细胞。然而，之后癌细胞突然卷土重来，并以骇人的速度迅速攀升。当医生告诉她这个消息时，她的第一反应是拔腿就跑，径直逃到我家中。在一个星期的时间里，我们待在一起，祈祷，聊天，哭泣，欢笑。尽管我内心深处始终难以接受她被诊断患癌症这一事实，但我决定和她一起面对恐怖的病魔，去感受她的每一丝情感，在治疗的每个阶段给她鼓励。当她哭泣的时候，我会抱紧她；想起那些永远无法实现的梦想，那些无法一同前往的地方，那些她将会错过的婚礼，还有她永远无法拥抱的孙子孙女们，我们一起连声哀叹，唏嘘不已。我答应了她所要求的每件事。我们一起策划了她女儿们的婚礼，也讨论她想要送给子女们的礼物。她列出了所有的个人财物，并委托我进行分配。她向我倾
night I wept bitterly.
I went to her home for two weeks after her visit, to help prepare for the harsh chemical therapy plan about to be launched against her disease. When the day came for me to leave, my emotions were raw, the emotional intensity of our time together gripping me strongly. I was so afraid she would die during the treatments, and I wasn’t nearly ready for it.
Taking her now-thin face in my hands, I whispered, “I don’t know what to say.”
Quietly, gently, she whispered back, “There are no more words, Jenn. We’ve already said them all.”
I held her gently, as long as she could bear the pain of the embrace, trying to memorize for all time what she felt like. I cried the long drive home.
Weeks later the doctors reluctantly told us there was nothing more to be done. Other family members held back the report from Melody, fearful of causing her more pain by taking away all hope.
In simple words, for the morphine had ravaged[29] her senses, I explained it to her. My eyes were shining with tears, my throat closing on the words. Inexplicably, she said, “No tears.” I choked them back, and we made plans for her to go home, where she most wanted to be. Plaintively[30], she told me she was afraid she would be alone at the final moment. I promised her I wouldn’t let that happen.
Very early the next morning, I returned to the hospital, so we could be alone. Sitting as close to her as I could, holding her fragile hand, I asked her to please let me cry.
“Why?” she whispered.
诉内心最深处的恐惧，坦白她的耻辱与悔恨，分享她最真诚的渴望——与孩子们再多待些时日。白天，我平静地听她诉说。我尊重她的想法，并被她的坚强、尊严和信念完全折服。晚上的时候，我总是悲伤地流泪。
在她来我家住了一星期后，我去她家待了两个星期，帮她即将接受的严酷化疗做些准备。离开她的那天，我们之间真挚的感情，以及我们在一起度过的美好时光，时时萦绕在我心头。她在治疗过程中随时都可能死去，对此，我并没有做好准备。我感到异常恐惧。
我捧着她现已消瘦的脸，在她耳边轻轻说：“我不知道该说点什么。”
她很平静，轻声回答道：“简，不用说了。我们已经把要说的都说了。”
我生怕我的拥抱弄疼了她，便很轻柔地抱着她，试图努力记住她每一个时刻的样子。那一次，我几乎是一路哭着开车回家的。
又过了几个星期，医生很不情愿地告知我们，他们已经尽力了。家人们向梅隐瞒了病情，因为他们害怕没有了希望，她会更加痛苦。
吗啡的药力破坏了她的感官，她总是昏昏沉沉的。我用寥寥数语向她说明了真相。我的双眼闪着晶莹的泪光，我的喉咙因为哽咽而几乎说不出话来。她含含糊糊地说道：“别哭。”我努力抑制自己，不让眼泪流下来。我们计划把她送回家，送回她现在最想去的地方。她很直白地告诉我说，她害怕在最后时刻来临时孤身一人。我向她保证，我会一直陪伴在她身边。
第二天清晨，很早的时候我就回到了医院，这样，我们就能独处一段时间。我握着她苍白无力的手，尽量坐得离她近一些。我请求她允许我哭一会儿。
“为什么？”她轻声地问。
“Because I’m going to miss you so much. I don’t want you to die.”
Laying my head down on her bed, I wept hot, anguished[31] tears, while she stroked my hair and comforted me in my sorrow. It was an agonizing[32] moment. Later, I again found the strength to walk through it with her, but that morning for those minutes, I leaned on her, and she stood strong for me.
I had to go home. My family needed me, and the inevitable end had no definite date. Our mother stayed with Mel the last few weeks but called me on the last day and said to hurry, that the hospice[33] nurse was sure it would be within hours.
I dropped everything and made the trip as fast as I safely could, praying desperately that she could hang on till I got there. Mom told her I was coming, though she was doubtful Melody understood. Walking in the door of her room, I was weak with relief that I had made it in time. For ninety-eight minutes I talked to my sister, prayed over her, kissed her, sang to her and read aloud all her favorite scriptures. She never spoke, but I know she heard me. The nurse was amazed she hung on for so many hours with a 107-degree fever, only four respirations a minute and almost no blood pressure.
I will always believe she waited for me.
This is the part of sisterhood I’m still learning: going on after a sister is no longer there. The pain and loss are worse than I imagined, and time without her stretches before me in aching loneliness.
I’m at peace in knowing she is with Christ, but as our older sister said bitterly to a well-meaning friend who tried to comfort her at the funeral, “Heaven would have been just as beautiful thirty years from now.”
My memories are indescribably precious. I have no regrets; we wasted
“因为我会非常想念你。我不希望你离开。”
我把头枕在她的床上，痛苦的热泪夺眶而出。她轻轻抚摸着我的头发，安慰着心中无比悲痛的我。那是一个异常痛苦的时刻。而后，我又重新找回了陪她一起度过难关的勇气。但是，在那几分钟里，我依偎着她，她成了我坚强的精神支柱。
后来，因为家人需要我，我不得不赶回家去。毕竟，虽然结局不可避免，但最终时间并不确定。在最后几个星期里，母亲陪伴在妹妹身边。最后一天，母亲打电话给我，让我尽快赶到，因为负责临终关怀的护士肯定她剩下的时间不多了，几个小时而已。
我立刻扔下一切，以能确保安全的最快速度飞奔过去，绝望地祈祷她能坚持下去直到我赶到。尽管并不确定她是否能听懂，但是母亲告诉她，我来了。我快步走进病房，能够及时赶到让我放松下来，也让我倍感虚弱。在这98分钟的时间里，我跟她说话，为她祈祷，亲吻她，为她歌唱，大声朗读她最喜爱的文字。她一言不发，但我知道她听得见。护士很惊讶，她居然在发着华氏107度的高烧、1分钟仅呼吸4次，而且几乎没有血压的情况下，坚持了那么久。
我总觉得那是因为她在等我。
好姐妹去世后如何继续生活，这是我在姐妹感情方面仍需学习的崭新一课。那种痛苦和失落远比我想象的要糟糕得多。人生的漫漫长路没有她的陪伴，徒留我一人在痛苦中孤独前行。
她此刻与上帝同在，对这一点我感到很欣慰。葬礼上，一位好心的朋友想要安慰我们的大姐，大姐伤心地说：“从现在开始，往后的30年里，天堂将会因为有了梅而始终美丽。”
我的回忆弥足珍贵。我没有任何遗憾；我们没有浪费时间，曾一起
no time, faced the dreadful future together, said all the right words, smiled and laughed and cried in complete unison[34], all the way up to the last moment possible. She was a perfect sister.
A few weeks ago her eighteen-year-old daughter, Melissa, called me, sobbing with grief.“Aunt Jenn, I’m afraid everyone is going to forget how wonderful Mama was.” Weeping with her, I promised that wouldn’t happen. I won’t let her be forgotten.
面对可怕的明天，说完了所有该说的话，不约而同地放声大笑、失声痛哭，一直到那最后一刻。她是我最好的姐妹。
几个星期前，她18岁的女儿梅丽莎打电话给我。在电话那头，她伤心地哭了起来。“简姨，恐怕现在每个人都已经开始忘记妈妈有多好了。”我忍不住和她一起流泪。我向她承诺过她担心的事不会发生，因为我永远不会将她遗忘。